the sweet spot

the rain..the thunder...this is very appropriate. The storm outside is a mirror of the one inside me. these mid-west storms...

Grandma died on a Saturday Morning...just 19 days ago and since then I find that the mornings and sometimes VERY early mornings are not good for me.

Wow! That was a loud one!!!! Thunder!!! Something about it...the rain is pounding...the lightening is splitting the sky!!! Power! I have an urge...to run out into it, to face it head on. Maybe, just maybe it could wash this grief away or pound it out of me. but I know, that's not how it works.

my niece is sick. she is 7. the meds aren't helping...no insurance...no money...lots of doctor bills reaching for the heavens. stress. fear. worry. I am surrounded it would seem...by heavy things...by this storm outside...inside. and I have been here...for months.

Awww...but wait, there does appear in the distance...thru the downpour of trials...a glimmer of green. Yes...thru the flashes of light and loud scary noises I can barely make out the word, "exit."

I approach it and as I do I am relieved to discover that this is not the door to death...though that would definitely be one way to "exit." but I've seen death up close several times now and that is not a door I am willing to enter until I must. no...this is different. It's just a sign hanging in mid air...right in the center of the storm. rain water pours over it and drains down it's sides and face yet it stays lit. no matter how hard the storm rages or lightening flashes. it swings only slightly in the strong winds. it is it's own. the storm does not control it or affect it. at closer inspection I see that there is something on the ground beneath it...a rough, flat stone. and there are words, words that are illuminated by the glow of the sign itself. "The Word", it reads. drawn...unexpectedly to position myself beneath this sign...my feet leave the soggy earth and find instant comfort in the strength and stability of the stone. The Word. "In the beginning was The Word..." I close my eyes and remember "The Words" that He has spoken into my life, all my life. While a steady stream of water runs down my face, I remember her, living His Words, all my life. As I stand here to today, drenched through and wrung out...I will remember to "exit" the physical facts to remember the spiritual truths! I will remember to plant my feet firmly on the solid Rock, Jesus Christ who was there in the beginning and will be with me at every ending until He walks me safely into the land of no good-byes. I will find and keep peace...in this spot. Joy WILL come in the mornings again for me and for the ones I love! I will stand here...in the storm...in the heat...in the draught...in the snow and even in the sun. I will stand...I will stand.

well...now that's funny. the storm has lost it's fury...time to get some sleep.

Hello Blackness,

It has been months since I have written anything...I've been busy. Redefining love. I have been walking around it...looking at it from as many sides as I can grasp...and I must admit, I still don't think I've grasped much that is absolutely certain except maybe for this...we were made for it...to love deeply and to be loved. Even my feeble attempts to love well seem to have something to do with the miracles I see happening around me lately. What could be possbile if we got really, really good at it? For now, I am enjoying this unexpected plunge into beauty...this rush of grace and freedom and vunerabillity.

Awake.

It's 4:30 in the morning and I can't believe I am not asleep, I need to sleep. What is my problem? I suddenly felt like talking to God about an hour ago, only trouble is...I'm longing for a face to face sit down. I'm longing for Him to tell me what I need to know and I know there is something that needs to be reveled...I can feel it.
Oh, to have a conversation...or just to hear Him talk...that would be better. What could I possibly have to say that would add anything? Well, maybe "I love you."
And I do...with all my heart. Just wish I could get my actions to line up with my claims. Sorry Lord, please put your Spirit in me, so I will be kind...and please help me go to sleep.

Voices

OK, so...I wonder...where are the voices that inspire, believe and and in their very tone, smile. It's not that I haven't heard ANY of these kinds of voices speak in my life, there are just too few.
I am so overloaded right now...yet still want to dream, dare to do and try things but... I cannot do these things alone...because there is already too much on my plate...but if I was one of a group of dreamers...maybe, things could happen.

Ahhhh, but here I am again, relying on others, waiting for their cue or approval and I am always disappointed.
I know, I know....be the change you want to see. Yes, but all my life I have had to do that. Is it wrong to want to find something to be a part of where you're not the strongest or most motivated one. I'm getting tired of being a lone ranger.

Most of that is my fault though. I am very picky who I hook up with. Truth is...I'd rather be on my own than Aline myself with something false...Truth is, it's easier to deal with yourself than others.

I rant...I rave but in the end I still have myself to blame. Again.
Sorry for the whining...just in one of those moods.

Solitary Revelations

I enjoy the late evening, very early morning. It's peaceful then...now. The only voices I hear are the ones in my head. The only distractions are my own thoughts debating each other. Sometimes, if I'm lucky, God gets a word in. Sometimes, if I'm lucky, clarity comes. Maybe even a little peace. If I'm not so fortunate, something else. Something like receiving or remembering bad news... "you didn't win," "you weren't picked" or..."they aren't coming back."
Truth or the distortion of it seems to know it will find me alone during these hours, alone and quiet. Silently, these longing to be discovered trills of smoke begin to fill the atmosphere in the room like a fog, making it very difficult to ignore their presence. And so it is here, in the dark while most sleep, that I browse calmly through the facts and fictions of my days desiring to discover...

The Truth, or the distortion of it.

The Heart

I think, I shall never truly understand the human heart. The Bible says it is "deceitful" and the only one who can truly "know" it, is God. But still, I try.
Why does the heart love what it loves? Why does it want what it wants? I think that maybe the human heart knows very little of love and more about desire... more about need. It needs to feel valuable...it desires to feel appreciated, special, beautiful, admired, it needs to feel needed. And when these needs start getting met or when it perceives that it has found another heart that could satisfy these desires...it calls it love. But that sounds quite selfish to me and therefore, cannot be love. For love, by definition (the Bible's that is) does not seek it's own.
Do we lavish out affections on others because of (ultimately) what they can satisfy in us? Or are we generous with our hearts because we are compelled to be givers without thought of repayment.
I think that Love, may look like a cheerful, generous sower who owns no land. His only desire is to abundantly sow love wherever he goes. He feels that all ground is worthy of what he plants and he stakes no claims. He doesn't live for harvest time...he lives to plant. But there will be harvest, for as he goes, he pleasantly discovers that there are others like him, (though maybe few) who live for sowing. Live to give. Live to love.
Is it possible, to love without selfish motivation? To love whether or not we are repaid for our actions? Is it possible to be fulfilled, happy...yes, completely happy just to be giving? What about our needs? Our desires? What about what we want? Yeah...what about what I want?
The truth? I want at least one person in the universe to be mesmerized by me, amazed, stunned and overwhelmed with awe when they see me! To hang on my every word and crave my company more than anything or anyone else! How's that for conceited?! But here's more truth...I'm not worthy of that kind of adoration. How's that for a reality check?!
Yet still...I want it. Desire it. Think I need it. Funny, but this is what God wants too. ( I hope I'm not putting words in Your mouth that aren't there Lord :)
Our mistake is that we have looked to human beings to meet our need to feel valuable, important, irreplaceable and necessary to our world. When in reality there is only one who can truly feel this way about us all the time and who can satisfy our every longing. Jesus. And He longs to have us feel this way about Him. When we allow Him to meet our deepest needs to feel valuable and when we let Him know how valuable He is to us through worship, praise and obedience, that is when we are able to love the world without strings attached. That is when we have something to sow...enough love to go around.
My heart is deceitful...but it's true motivation are known to God. "Search me oh God and know my heart, try me and know my thoughts, see if there be any wicked way in me and lead me in the way everlasting."